As I mentioned earlier today, the government has set up another stupid website, with (among other things) illustrated guides telling you what to do in the event of biological, chemical, nuclear, and various other types of attacks. The design of the graphics, though, is ... I'm at a loss for words. I'll give the artist the benefit of the doubt and assume that the actual designing was done by the same committee responsible for the website at large. Can you imagine the meetings?
Committee Member 1: No, no, I don't want to show a person actually using a telephone. Maybe we could show the telephone sitting on a desk? Committee Member 2: Not the desk again! No, no, no! I HATE desks! Committee Member 1: ...OK, maybe just the telephone on a blank background. Committee Member 3: OK, but only if it has no buttons. Committee Member 4: So, an old-fashioned rotary phone, with a dial? Committee Member 3: No dials either.
Um, anyway. Let's look at what we learn from these diagrams (captions removed to increase humor value):
The correct approach to biological weapons: ponder them thoughtfully, then leave them alone.
The correct approach to smelly dead fish is similar, but remember to retreat to the basement.
Remember: NO DEAD FISH ALLOWED.
The first step in building a dirty bomb is to gather your materials.
When your dirty bomb is complete, detonate it in Austin, TX.
(Go ahead, try to guess this one. Just try.)
In addition to storing food, water, medical supplies, and duct tape, also make sure to accumulate electronics and a supply of clocks in multiple time zones.
While you're hiding in the basement with the kids, remove the numbers from your phone and teach the children about addition.